CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER: 07
The dread in Topher’s stomach never left since lunch, it followed him everywhere that day.
It was as if a vacuum was sucking out all of his energy, and he didn’t know whether to feel grateful or bitter. Grateful that he’d eventually have nothing to give, emotionally, or bitter that he let himself be driven to this point in the first place.
He knew Abe would be seeking him out soon, as their classes had come to their inevitable end. Surely he’d have questions, given what Cleo had blurted out earlier, ones that Topher would have difficulty answering.
That could be easily avoided however, if he just focused on how the other needed to confess to Joan.
So, he waited.
He waited in the halls, by their lockers, for Abe to inadvertently break his heart. Which, all things considered, would be a good thing. Topher did not like men, let alone taken ones. He was a loser, he supposed, but not that much of one.
“Topher!”
Abe's voice caused him to look up, watching him quicken his pace to make it to him.
“Listen, about earlier-”
He cut Abe off, shaking his head, “No need, it’s alright. Let’s get this Joan thing over with.”
Standing straighter, he walked past Abe before looking back, “You did tell her you wanted to meet her after school, right?”
Abe stared, before blinking, “Yeah, but,”
“Really, there’s no need to talk about it.”
“I want to though!”
Topher frowned, “Well, I don’t want to right now. So let’s go,” he sighed, finally looking away, “okay?”
The other made a noise, before walking past him. Topher kept the frown on his face as he followed, taking in his surroundings.
He didn’t want to be visible while Abe confessed, in fact he didn’t even want to hear the two whatsoever. That last one wasn’t viable though, so he just kept an eye out to make sure there was somewhere to be out of sight.
“I’m a bit nervous,” Abe broke him out of his thoughts, “maybe I shouldn’t.. I don’t know.”
Topher sighed, shaking his head. Of course the other would think of chickening out, and if he had any sense he would let him, but he just wanted to get this over with.
“You’re always nervous,” He looked around, before taking Abe’s hand into his, “don’t take this any weird way- just.. don’t bail out.”
Abe stared down at their hands, not even paying a second of attention to what he was saying.
He frowned, ripping it away, “You already told her to meet up with you, just do it!”
“Okay, okay! You’re right, I don’t know what’s gotten into me.”
“Good..”
The two started walking again, and after some time he noticed Joan in the distance. He ignored the way he heart leapt, and bitterly thought that in another universe it would have an entirely different intent.
He looked up at Abe, noticing the other was already staring at him, “Well, I’ll be behind this.. wall? I’ll just walk around the corner and get closer from the other side.”
Abe just continued looking at him, and he started to feel a bit sick.
Not wanting to stand there for a moment longer, he just pushed Abe away from him, forward. Then, he booked it down the side of the hall, rounding the corner.
This was a terrible idea, he knew that for certain. How was he going to just stand there, listening to Abe tell someone else how much he likes them? Likes her?
He thought about how his hand felt in the others’ from earlier, the slight comfort he tried to give Abe made his skin crawl. What was wrong with him? Everything has been weird — off, since he realized his feelings.
Topher wasn’t always this sensitive, was he?
Eventually he walked to the end of the other corner of the wall, having a full view of Abe from behind Joan.
He saw him notice, and rolled his eyes at the thumbs up Abe gave him.
“So.. you said you wanted to talk to me?”
Abe smiled nervously, and he did his best not to feel endeared by it. If he tried, he could almost imagine that he was talking to him instead.
“Yeah! I just.. have realized something, lately.”
The awkward silence in between almost physically hurt him, to the point where he had to squeeze his eyes shut. If he were to be the one confessing right now, surely it would be a lot better than this.
“I like you Joan, more than a friend.”
He could hear the small gasp from her, and it hurt more than the silence.
“You.. like me? That’s..” The hope in her voice made him sick, everything about this was sick. Nothing was right, and he wishes he never agreed to have been here, “but what about Topher?”
He opened his eyes, black spots clouding his vision from having shut them so tightly. Turning his attention back onto them, he had a clear view of his face.
The way it twisted, in confusion at first, “We.. I just needed to figure something out, with myself.”
Topher could see the way Joan was tense, the way her shoulders were high. With the way she sounded a moment ago, it was drastically different from her body language.
“You’re not together?”
“Not anymore.”
“I’m.. look, I don’t want to be a rebound.” Joan sighed out, looking away from him.
“Rebound? I don’t-”
“You just broke up with him,” She interrupted, “I don’t know what happened between you two but I’m not.. going to get with you, just to get hurt, Abe.”
Abe looked concerned, his eyebrows pushed up together, and Topher wished he could help, in some twisted way.
“I’ve liked you since prom, Joan..” Topher watched the way he gently took her hand, watched the way he held it at their sides, feeling sick at the way the two of them intertwined their fingers.
“Prom? I-” Joan let out a scoff, “Of course you liked me when I looked nothing like myself.”
He shook his head, “No, Joan. I don’t care how you look, I like you all the same. You’re my best friend.”
Topher bit back a noise, what kind he didn’t know, but he knew he couldn’t stay here any longer.
The words exchanged between the two afterwards didn’t process in his mind, everything was gibberish, jumbled together and slapped in his face. He couldn’t stand it, he couldn’t stand.
With one last look at Abe, who was entirely focused on Joan, he slowly moved further behind the wall, before walking the entirely opposite direction of them.
Nothing made sense.
Topher was never like this before, and everything was Abe’s fault.
Everything was Abe’s fault, and it hurt, and Topher did not respond kindly to being hurt. He was like a cornered animal, feral and ready to attack.
Abe didn’t deserve to be attacked, not logically, but that didn’t change the fact that Topher was upset. He was mad, and he held grudges. He wasn’t a good person, no matter how selfless he’s been with his feelings.
He didn’t like being rejected, no one does, and he knows Abe never personally did that to him, but he did. He liked Joan, and not him, and that wasn’t fair.
Because if not even his one friend likes him, who would?
It’s not like he’s ever liked anyone before anyways, so what difference would it make, but for some reason it left him with a sickening sense of longing.
A longing he would never be able to fix, a thirst he would never be able to quench. He despised Abe for leaving him like this, leaching off of his feelings like an insect.
It wasn’t his fault, he knew that. It wasn’t his fault.
Eventually, he made it back home.
He didn’t care that he had to walk, he didn’t care what time it was, and he didn’t care that he disappeared before Abe was finished.
All he cared about was being home. Being in his bed, wallowing in his own sadness.
His anger was vicious, it was like a poison seeping through his blood, his veins. Whenever his eyes stung, he dug his nails into his arm.
Topher would not let himself cry.
At the end of the day, he and Abe were still friends, and that’s all that matters.
Liking men wasn’t natural. Well, it was, for other people; but Topher wasn’t like other people. He didn’t get feelings for people, he never has, and he supposed this being the first time makes sense why it ached so much.
His feelings would fade, eventually. He’d forget about all of this, and he’d still have a friend in the end.
It wasn’t normal.
So, he laid there. He ignored his phone vibrating constantly, watching his screen light up from in front of him, but refusing to touch it. Refusing to read the names.
The outcome didn’t matter, whether Abe was accepted or not.
Joan has always liked Abe, he’s heard the rumors, the drama. He wasn’t blind, either. One way or another, the two would get together, and he couldn’t bear that confirmation right now.
A knock on his door startled him, and his heartbeat rattled off in his ears.
“Honey, are you alright?”
The shrill voice of his mother called out, and he groaned quietly to himself, “Go away!”
“Do you want cookies? I can whip something up if you’re feeling down!”
Topher huffed, ripping the blankets off of him as he stomped towards the door, opening it quickly.
“Leave me alone, Caitlyn!”
She continued smiling down at him, in a way that was unnerving. He’s always felt an odd hostile disgust towards her, and he wishes he didn’t.
“Go away! Why are you st-”
The words immediately died, failing to continue from his throat as she took his hat off, running her fingers through his hair.
“What’re you doing?!”
He felt panicked, despite how relaxing it was.
“You always used to enjoy this when you were younger,” The fingers in his hair unstopping, her smile somehow turned sweeter upon second look, “it was the only way to calm you down, back then.”
For some strange reason, a feeling of melancholy overtook him. He felt nostalgic, for something normal that never existed.
Being a clone came with a lot of downsides, having a foster mother being one of them. He supposed that deep down, he’s always wanted a familial connection that was always just out of reach.
He felt tired.
“Let’s get you back into bed.”
She led him over, covering him back in his blankets when he laid down. Instantly afterwards putting her hand back on his head, scratching her nails lightly against his scalp.
“You’re acting weird..” He mumbled, tiredly watching her with still an ounce of caution.
“Just reminiscing.”
Topher hummed, looking away. The movement of his head helped her run through his hair more, and it felt comfortable in a way he never knew he could feel.
“I like someone.”
The movement paused, for just a split moment, “That’s wonderful!”
He scoffed, rolling his eyes.
“No, it’s not.”
“I should make cookies to celebrate!” She went to stand, but he quickly grabbed her wrist, “No!” he froze, his face heating up, “I mean.. no, it’s..”
Topher let go, burying his head underneath his blanket.
“They don’t like me back.”
He didn’t hear anything. No noise, no movement, just silence. He knew telling her anything was a mistake, she was a total air-head.
Then, the blanket started being lifted off him, his face being taken in by a hand.
“I’m sure eventually..” His mother wiped her hand across his forehead, moving his hair out of his face, “Eventually you will find someone who likes you as much as I do.”
Blinking a bit more rapidly than usual, he could feel the bottom of his lip quiver slightly, “You don’t even like me.”
With a shake of her head, he felt his energy dissolve, burying his head into her shoulder sighing deeply.
“I’m not even your- whatever..”
“You’re my everything.”
He let out a choked laugh, “You’re a nutjob.”
She kept quiet, and if her shoulder was wet afterwards, well, no one would tell.
CHAPTER END